come undone

that's my boy

It's always nice when your child discovers something new. My son has discovered my breasts.  It all began two weeks ago with the purchase of a new bra. I put the bra on. The czar notices and says "Mommy...big."  It was funny and I didn't think anything of it...now they take center stage.

At the supermarket or while cuddling, he lays his head on them...or hits them...or pretends to eat them.  It's nothing offensive, he's playing, but they are my breasts and we are in public. When I hold him, he cuddles close and his hands go right down my shirt...and tonight he attempted to make them a ramp for his Matchbox cars.

I have nothing profound to say about this. Just thought I'd share. I'm just thankful he's not obsessed with my ass.

Saturday in New York

The czar and I have been getting along better these days...not great, but better. I only ripped my hair out twice today.

We've been blessed with great weather so I made sure we got the hell out of this flat every day.  We always end up at the playground.  Oooooh the playground.  A place where the czar can show off his independence when climbing, jumping and sliding...a place loaded with scary, not-for-small-toddlers, monkey bar ladder thingies. Well, the czar doesn't belong on those ladders, but he showed interest in them and I figured it would be OK if I helped him climb. Those ladders turned out to be a great bonding tool for us. He is frightened when he slips with each bar but relaxed when he realized mommy had a grip on him. He listened to my directions ("put your foot here...now use your hands...") and made it to the top. He trusted me...took me seriously...it was a good thing. 

Tomorrow is the Eastern Orthodox Easter...that means a visit to my BIL's for lamb on a spit. I really hope they cover the head this year...although we celebrated my Easter this past March, this is really the czar's first Easter. His godfather gave him a new outfit, candy and a huge candle decorated with boats and seashells. The candle was supposed to be used at a midnight mass tonight. If I remember correctly, it stays lit for the whole mass and you're supposed to bring it home lit and light a candle that's supposed to burn all year...or just bless your doorway. We have opted for the doorway blessing in the past...well, anyway, there is no mass for us this evening since the czar konked out at 9. I'm kinda happy about this since we can't even make it through a Sunday mass without hell breaking loose.

oh, hey...he DID grow

oh look, my brain is everywhere again...I'm thinking (and bitching)

The past few weeks have been difficult for the czar and I.  I have been dealing with a strong-willed, defiant child...a child who demands to be held then demands to get down.  I have a child who wants immediate attention, will take advantage of every opportunity to run from me in a public place and fail to answer to his name...ooohhhh boy.

Terrible twos?  Sure.

Attachement issues? I think so...how foolish of me to think we survived the dreaded attachment checklist. And I know we will work through these tests. And in the long run, I know this behavior will pass, but...man, it's tough. Although I'm not sure what's tougher: my son's behavior or listening to the family and friends tell me he's just a kid and I need to relax.

That really pisses me off. 

And I should think nothing of it.

But it really pisses me off.

I think I need to develop a hard shell and move on with my life. 

Then I think...unless someone has gone through my process, they really won't know what it's like to parent an adopted child so everyone should just shut up...I mean, of course my child is like everyone else's child...of course he'll adapt like other children, why wouldn't he? And then I just can't ignore the fact that he spent 18 months in a baby home (which was lovely, but I know he spent 18 months in an unpadded playpen staring at the wall.) I just have yet to encounter another parent dealing with the issues I am. For example, I'm the mom at Gymboree whose barefoot son runs out the front door without responding to his name, no looking back. I see the other children actually looking for their parents. Mine says "layta gayta" and is off faster than a speeding bullet. It's fun stuff. And I am concerned. And I know we will get through this but it freaks me out to see my son do this day after day at the park, at the grocery store, in a parking lot...

And I'm so sick of having my concerns and issues downplayed. That pisses me off too. Yeah, I know he wants to be independent. Yeah, I know that's what two year olds do.  Yeah, I know I need sleep.

So I need to be validated: are my concerns real? Am I freaking out without reason?  Maybe I just need to drink more. I can do that.

I can't frickin' stand it...

Poke me with a fork. I am done. DONE.  The czar did many things today and mommy is tired.

Today he has...

• mastered the new DVD player
• annointed each DVD with peanut butter
• fallen out of the crib
• emptied the contents of our drawers
• slammed all of our doors...one in a neighbor's face, another just missing the cat's tail
• gone through the kitchen cabinets
• slid head first into the empty bathtub in an attempt to hide from me
• cleaned the bathroom sink with his toothbrush
• propped his plastic bike on the couch and prepared himself for takeoff
• fallen behind the couch

So where the hell was I while all this was going on? I was a few feet away, apparently oblivious to it all.  We should have gone out and enjoyed this gorgeous day, but stupid me listened to my son cries of "nooooo bye bye." I figured he wanted a day inside to chill. I thought we'd spend time doing crafts, playing cars and all that good stuff...but no.

Today was a day to find mommy's breaking point. He found it. And I found the Russian Standard buried in my freezer.

just some stuff

It's been a while since I posted. and I'm afraid this will be a bit brief because my brain hurts...I've been buried in work yet again which is a wonderful thing...as long as my boss remembers to submit my invoices to the billing dept. The latest project is a medical journal on the benign diseases of the bladder — far more tolerable than February's plastic surgery issue. If I come across any good bladder photos, I'll post them.

In czar news, my baby stepped on the scale and was 26 pounds. Finally! I was so relieved thrilled to see that number. He was 24.8 at his 2-year checkup and I've been obsessed with his weight since...if only I could be that way about my own, but whatever. Our big food item of the week is a yogurt smoothie with Blue's Clues all over its packaging. We shove a bendy straw in its foil cover and he's ready to go.

Tonight, he ate a taco. I'll give a diaper report tomorrow.

And the Pope is coming to my neighborhood. They're blocking off streets and closing parkways to make room for him...and Kelly Clarkson who is supposd to show up and sing "Ave Maria," I think...

I wish I had more to blabber about but I don't. My eyes hurt from sitting in front of this monster monitor (I went out an bought a 24" beast) and my brain hurts. If someone wants to send fudge, that would be great.

the czar and his girls

I still wonder: unorganized thoughts

This is a pretty unorganized post. I just let my mind wander.

We've been a family for nine months now and I am beginning to get the "don't you want another? / you've got only one?" inquiries which, for me, ranks up there with the "don't you like children?" crap we faced when trying to conceive. 

Sorry folks, I only have one.

I suppose it's difficult to hear those inquiries because I would love to have another...and another. I just don't know if it will ever be possible. I guess that brings me down a bit. As one of five children, I always assumed I'd have a decent-sized family too. It just didn't work out that way...and as we celebrate my nephew's birth and my sister-in-laws' pregnancies, I wonder if I'll ever be blessed with a pregnancy...one that goes on for nine months and results in a baby.  I wonder what it would be like.  My mom and my sister thought I was nuts but when my sister had her baby last month, it was almost as if I did too. Kinda sorta...on an emotional level...without the labor pains and stuff.

And adopting my son was a difficult, beautiful and fulfilling process and I'd love to do it again. It scares me how much I adore this little person. He is my world and I am so thankful to have him in my life. He has taught me so much about myself...and while I sometimes compare the paperchase and waiting to a form of labor, I didn't give birth to this little beautiful person...and I feel a tremendous sense of loss because I missed out on so much of my son's life...

So I admit it, the infertile thoughts do creep in and out of my life and I get frustrated...definitely not as bad as it used to be. Being a parent has definitely eased the pain and allowed me to focus on the joys of life...but I wonder...I mean here I sit with an functioning set of reproductive organs. A set that has endured tests and abuse and was/is still regarded as "just fine." I see what a set like this can do for other people...and I wonder.  For me, it's like being presented with a shiny, happy iPod, loaded with every song I've ever wanted. It's waiting to be played and but for some reason, the iPod or one of its do-hickies isn't working.

So I'm just wondering...

edited to add:
just read my horoscope after posting this...

Today's Leo Horoscope: Apr 10, 2008
Long-buried emotions from the past, some of them pleasant, some in need of release, could come welling up from your unconscious to your conscious mind today, dear Leo. This is likely to have an uplifting effect on your mental and emotional state, so don't fight it. It's also likely to release whatever hang-ups you might have about relationships, and therefore you can expect all your involvements, particularly the romantic ones, to thrive. Enjoy!

I need a drink.

A big one.

A visit to my mom's turned out to be a day of doom yet again.  My son tripped on some mysterious object and banged his head. Hours later he tumbled down the stairs. My poor baby seems to be OK, but this mommy is a wreck yet again.  Every friggin' accident happens at my mom's...I've had it.  Yes, boys will be boys and all that good stuff, but he's not busting his head open anywhere else besides that house. I've reached a new level of paranoia. The new rule is that I'm on this kid like white on rice. No one touch him. No one look at him. No one breathe on him.  I can't handle it any longer.

Tomorrow we're staying inside and hiding from the world.  He's under observation to make sure his head doesn't explode.

red beans, rice noodles & ginger...

Erin is in Hanoi with her new little nugget!